elephants as big as whales

OK SO

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:40:30 GMT

i was 130 on sunday.
i got ahold of adderallll yesssss
and some senna tea since i wanted to do the master cleanse.
then realized shit i have no fucking lemons..
sooo i've just been fasting and working out insanely.

it's tuesday and i'm 123 right now..
that's 7 lbs since sunday which isn't bad but ugh.
really taylor?? 123? you were fucking like.. 110 this time last year.
pathetic.
if i can get down to at least 112 before the 16th or 17th
i think i'll visit dan in sf.
i refuse to look fat in front of his roomate jon
considering i've fucked him... numerous times within meeting him
he's cute, and cool. iono, we talk but ehhh you live sf.

anyways yeah. i really don't think that's impossible.
with adderall, and tons of working out and stepping on the scale
and motivation to buy cute clothes 112 is doable.

that's...11 lbs in like 7 days.. wait what?

OKAY FINE. i'm just gunna fucking lose as much as i fucking can
because this is ridiculous. and i'm tired of being fat.

this is all just me rambling.

i think a bunch of it is water weight to be honest
i'm terribly ill and i'm on my period sooo
let's pray.

i better be 120 or under tomorrow morning.
if i'm plateued at fucking 123 i'll be really pissed.

out

yesterday was a bit ugly.

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:40:08 GMT

i didn'y binge but i definatly wasn't starving myself.

2 toasts: 270

i like to round up, so i'll say i'm at 300calories so far.
i'm positive i'll be able to burn off 300 calories.
if i feel like eating i guess i'll either drink a shit ton of water
or have tea.

i'm gunna try and stay away from heavy foods for a bit.
my tight size ones think i should too.

i slept in

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 21:54:21 GMT

till like... 1:30pm.
fuck i hate sleeping in.

anyways, i wasn't suppose to eat today.
i've had to cinnamon rolls. wtf.
sooo so far that's like 670calories.

wtf.

i'm gunna clean and workout today.
i feel so drowsy.
i think it's because i take tylenol pm everynight.

xanax tonight.
i gotta wake up early tomorrow.
i gotta lose weight.

my ex is prancing around with some young bitch
she's uglier and chubbier than me though
so ha.

i feel good.
but still,
i have to be 2938479283x hotter.
and like... as skinyn as i was when we started dating.
95lbs.

here i come.

i know what im missing

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 00:07:24 GMT

i know what im missing in order to lose weight.
drugs.

i'm back and fatter than ever.
i'm going to start counting all the calories i eat for the day.
it's hard to get motivated again.
extremely.

i went into recovery last feb.
i got fat.
i'm prob back up to 115.

which is sad considering i was 95.

so fuck me, here we go again.

90lbs.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:30:55 GMT

i wish that i could beg and beg and beg someone till 110 turned into 90.
20lbs. i was 10lbs away

i'm probably 115 the way iv been

the highest iv been in sooo long.
i can't even bare it, i feel disgusting.
i'm unhappy, i dont feel like myself.

i need distraction and bad things.
whenever everythings out of control
i always manage to grab control of my weight
when everything is out of control.

control control control
i never know how to balance it.

also...i dunno what to think of this...
angelo never condoned my behaviour
it was always "stop its unhealthy you're better than that i love you're perfect"
nick started that way...then we got closer and its become..
"whatever you want to do i'll support you i just want you happy i love you."

i dont want to compare relationships at all.
but i always thought that when you love someone you dont let them willingfully destroy themself.

but maybe nick knows id never believe any of that "you're perfect" crap
i didn't with angelo, i just wanted to keep losing, but it was nice to hear.

i duno

i have a headache from purging.

im going back to purging.
im sorry but recovery undid all my perfect perfect work.

i was under 100.
now i'm over 110.

i could cry forever.

wellll

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:51:06 GMT

i havent written in here in forever.

im back in control.

umm yeah.

once again

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 23:22:17 GMT

i could easily fall back into b/p for like 2 weeks straight again.
but i know that only bloats me and fucks my body up and i really don't lose weight
it's justa coping thing.

BUT i know i have the abilty to go days without eating
last week was a perfect example.
down to 100lbs. i have that control again.
all i have to do is say no.

and i'm turning it back on.
95lbs and my bmi will be 17 point something.
the main point being i'll be considered underweight.
for the first time in my life.
i am not fucking up this time.

95lbs here i fucking come.
being under 110 isn't enough.
fuck being "healthy" and "curvy"

i will be 95lbs before march.
i can feel it. i'll be tiny.

just wait.
i have control.

triggered.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 08:34:37 GMT

so i've been working towards either 100 or 98
for saturday, which is tomorrow.
because i wanted to look "extra good"
at my winter formal.

it's ...saturday, 12am.
and i'm at 104.8 or something.
it sucks. but there's more.

so this morning, i wake up, i'm doing okay.
coffee, cleaning the house before i wake up, my ex comes over.
he's the only one that knows er, well that i've told about my ed.
he's worried and shit but never pushes me to do anything,
not the point.

anyways i'm telling him my plan for the day
"i'll clean...run...pick up my dress..uh.."
he interrupts and says "you'll purge."
i say "ha nah, i have to eat first to do that."

i haven't purged since last...thursday? i believe.
so i've been good, just not eating, overexcersizing.
which in my head is less damaging than purging right?

he didn't mean it in a mean way or anything.
i haven't explained the whole in dephs on my who disordered shit
so hey, he's just trying to figure things out.

but all day today i was home.
and randomly, and convienently my sisters decide to leave
and go for a walk for a bit.

i eat a few pretzels.
a bite of a tortilla.
a few more pretzles.
a bite of a power bar.

that's it.

and immediatly i say "FUCK."
drink a load of water
and get as much as i can out of me.
my sisters actually walk in the house as i'm
at the kitchen sink. so i play it off like i was
"washing my face."

then send my bf..ex bf, a message saying:
"fuck, you were right, purging was in my schedule today."
why? i don't know. still numb from vomiting up food i guess.
it's beyond me why i reach why out when i'm at my worst.
and i don't want help

yet i still yearn for something.
not help though.
i don't think that's even anywhere in my head right now,
"recovery."

i can't recover,
i'm not at my goal yet.
i'm not rock bottom yet.
let me be.

but don't go too far or anything,
because it sucks to constantly hate everything
and hate yourself and do horrible things to your body
and KNOW you are.
yet still feel satisfaction from it.

it's so godamn hard to grasp all of that.

-excuse my rambling, i just snorted a shitload of xanax. btw. so my minds scattered.

anyways, after having an okay rest of the day not eating
i'm home now i read the messege he sent me,
a sad face, and an i miss you.
which of course i know means so much more.

subconciously, i'm a wreck, i feel it.
it could be the xanax though.

oh and the reason i took xanax?
because i'm not tired yet.
if i stay up....there's food. just always around everywhere.
it's fucking everywhere, fastfood, stores, pizza in my fucking fridge.
that's too many opportunities to binge then be depressed then purge.
i can't have that cycle.

i'd much rather fall back into my not eat at all cycle
rather than my not eat...not eat..not eat...take one bite and purge it all up cycle.

i do want to learn to care for myself
and love myself like a normal person.
and love myself enough to let those around me love me.

i can't make my ex come save me.
especially not right now.
i'm a mess, i wanna snort more
i wanna binge my face off
and then purge it all out.

if everything was up to me,
that's exactly what i'd i do right now.
fuck myself alll up because i don't care,
then have my him come get me so i can lay with him
and he can remind me how beautiful and loved i am.
so i can believe it fully and intensely

untill i get home, only to binge and cry myself
because the kitchen sink is too close to my mom's room
and she'd hear the water running and me gagging.

i'm starting to realize this is okay.
but it's kinda all i've got going for me.
my weight. my numbers.

i felt fat today.
went to try on my dress with my best friend
who i consider the skinniest out of all of us.
and she saw me in my dress and said
"gah, you're so fuckin skinny."

if i was so skinny, i wouldn't have curves.
my ribs would show more.
my chest bones would be more prominent.
my arms would be sticks
and the same with my legs.
my face would be cut out of stone.
i'd be perfection.

i'm be somewhere btwn 85 and 90.

my night?
i'll snort more xanax.
untill i can't think straight.
i'm lay in bed thinking about him
and remind myself i'm loved
or at least try.

and i'd thankgod i did snort the xanax,
because if i didn't it'd be straight to the fridge,
binge. and either cry myself to sleep, waking up at 105 tomorrow.
or saying fuck it and purging. and sleeping with water weight and bloating tummy.

basically,
i'm waiting till things get incredibly bad,
till i even try to fix anything.
until now.

this is enough.

"c00L b33nZzz."

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 08:05:08 GMT

OKAY.
so. i'm single once again.
like for real this time.
and i'm going to remain single
for a good while.

today was an awakening kinda..
like..things caught up to me,
and i'm going to take all of this
these past...3ish months?
and LEARN FROM IT.
and never do any of it again.

well...maybe some of it ;)

i'm not going to let myself mope
and fucking be all down and shit
i'm going to suck it up and be a big girl.
and get everything back together and go from there.
to the best of my abilities.

to be honest, i feel like..
i finally got him out of my system.
kinda.

not thinking about it.

i need to focus on me.
tomorrow will be diff?
hopefully.

time to grow up anyways right?

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 01:38:41 GMT

shitty day.
rather not talk about it.

but i'm determined to not purge.
all i have to do is not eat.
which i'm doing okay with.

i purged monday tuesday and wednesday.

i'd rather not today.

i'm going to run tonight though.
maybe not though.

i feel drained.

fuck

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 15:01:50 GMT

i've binged and purged for that last two days.
last time i checked i was 106 something.

i don't dare to look right now.
i smoked and binged lastnight.

plan, fasting, cleaning out my system
and getting rid of water weight.

i'm probably 110.
i'm too scared to look.

ugh.

i wanna be 102 again =/

purpose

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 07:35:06 GMT

i'm hungry.
i feel like throwing a huge tantrum.

i want to eat things that kids my age eat.
and not care soo much about how many calories are in it.
or how i'm going to get it out of me later.

i'm not letting myself eat.
nor am i going to run back to my ex.

i just feel sick.
and tired of this .

ahahah..ah..haha.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 05:41:36 GMT

i go back on my word too much.
i'm dating nick.
and you know when once you get something
you've wanted for hella long..

then you don't want it anymore.

that's the case.
whoever cheats first i guess?

fuck it.

don't feel like thoroughly explaining that situation.
don't mind it.

ummm i'm back to 109, wtf!?
i was 102 last week.

gimmie a week.
i'll be at 90.

>:)

well my life's shit

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:27:01 GMT

Nick totaly blew me off, saw that coming and was still* hurt.
i'm stupid.

i was drunk all day with him
while him and his friends were doing yayo
i'm driving drunk of my ASSSSS.

end up back at him house.
get pissed because i'm getting no attention and yeah i'm needy and drunk.

drunk ride home makes me realize how much i fucking love my ex.
how good he was to me and shit.
decide to call him, suprisingly he's awake.
drunk aswell. atta boy.

basically, shit happened.
we miss eachother
i can't commit cuz i'm out of control right now..
it's blurry.

i have a hangover
i have to go to disneyland.

but
I'M 105!!!

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 22:34:58 GMT

i purged...
what did i even purge?

i drank two cups of coffee and handful of fiber cereal and a bite og spaghetti.
i purged over stupid things.

i think i jut wanted a reason to stick my fingers down my throat.
so i can pretend to myself that i feel better now.

i feel calmer.
better? not even.

114

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:33:44 GMT

i was 109 on monday.

105-108 by the end of this weekend.
better.

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 07:54:49 GMT

my last nutcracker performance is tomorrow.
i wish i could be proud of my self for my accomplishments.

i really do.

i'm lonely
i miss my ex but i'd rather not give a fuck about anything and continue not giving a fuck.
it's lonely and liberating.

i'm more proud of myself for getting under 109
than i am with my performance today

and i'm still not happy.

BACK

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:13:01 GMT

i feel like i'm finally out of my binging and purging.
it got really bad last week and the week before.
whereas i was doing it like every day sometimes twice.
but i'm not letting myself binge. therefore i won't purge.
i know i'll still probably have to fight at it. it's not completely over.

my stomache swelling has finally gone down.
and running as much as i have has been paying off.
i feel like i did gain maybe 3-4 lbs.
from all the b/p out of control bullshit.

but this week i'm working extra extra hard to eat nothing and excersize alot.

i feel hypocritical.
trying to be "healthy" then constantly doing destructive shit.
buying multivitamins and calcium liquid pill stuff and hair and skin and nail vitamins (because i MY FUCKIGN HAIR IS COMING OUT) and flossing and so on.

then ...taking adderall and running on coffee
and snorting xanax and overworking my body.

it's two extremes i always seem to jump back and forth between.

and the boy drama?
i do not have a fuckign clue what i'm doing or what i will do.
my ex wants back with me. he told me he broke up with me because he wanted to enjoy his single life
because i realized how much he loved me and got scared....WUT????

he misses me and loves me
and i believe him.
i miss him and love him too
but we can't just get back together like i didn't go fuck around with other guys the second we broke up
and he didn't go fuck around with other girls and relapse back into drugs.

if i did that right now
it was screw my self worth up more than it already is.
plus, nick would hate me.

i was almost willing to give him a chance to prove himself.
the boy i talked to fo half a year before going out with ange...

i don't know.
both boys are bad news.
i hear all the time
"angelo? isn't he into hardcore drugs and stuff??"...yeah my ex.
"nick DONT FUCK HIM. i'm sure he has something" yeah..talking to him..sorta

i hate myself
i'm low.

they both want to get with me
none of them are all that perfect. (fuck i'm not eitehr though)
they both have fucked up in the past..
and theres me

to be honest i don't what they see in me.
i'm not that pretty
not that confident.
actually not at all.
not incredibly thin how i'd to be.
i'm secretly a little slut.
i'm horrible. for many other fucked up reason

we're all horrible.
no ones perfect.
wow so why am i trying so hard to be?

i'd really like to break 110 for more than 3 days this time.
i'm probably around 113-115 at the moment.
i can do it.

i know i can.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 06:46:14 GMT

alll i want to do right now is throw up.
and sleep.

and i can't even do that
and it really really sucks.

i've

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:24:18 GMT

purged everyday this week.
twice in one day soemtimes.
i was writhing from my stomache hurting last night.

my face is swollen and shiny.
i miss my ex. i don't want to.
but i don't miss him enough to
stop kissing other boys.

this
sucks.

fuckit

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:18:50 GMT

i dont even fight it.
i just purge now.

fuck it.

and now im going to go run.

my life is bllshit.\
and my moms pissed at me for no reason right now.

oh but i looked good on stage for my performance today.
w/e.

i

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:06:37 GMT

want to purge everything that goes into my stomach at this point.
i think im fine then i drink water...then i get that...i could get this up so easily right now and feel better.

i didn't care if i got caught last night
i just needed to.

this is shit.

i just wish i was home alone

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 06:53:43 GMT

so i can purge without them wondering why i'm in the bathroom so long.

i hate this. but i don't.

i don't know.

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 21:54:58 GMT

i've been touching hands with him.
and letting him drive my care.
and trusting him more than i should
and kissing him like he's mine.

going places with him,
like we're good friends.

i've completely forgotten the part where he's a junkie.
the part where he talks to so many fucking girls
and as far as i know, could be telling them the same
could be bllshit, that he tells me.

or, i'm actually acting like a normal 18 yr old girl.
and kissing boys, and drinking and experimenting.

i can't tell.
i haven't thought about angelo as much as i probably should.
i probably should care more, but i don't.
maybe subconciously i do though.
i'm less jealous about who he talks to.
i'm more concerned about how i'm doing.
i'm kissing nick without even caring what ange thinks.

nick could be telling me bullshit lies.
he could. he could totaly play me right now
and make me look and feel like a complete idiot.
but it almost wouldn't matter.

because i don't care.

so, purging has become a part of routine somewhat.
until we get our bathroom fixed, i can only purge when i'm home alone.
or in the shower.

thing is, i'm home alone an awful lot.

so on top of the fact, my bodies already run down from
snorting god knows what with nick, drink, smoking, more etc.
not sleeping, kissing, more etc. oh, and i have this horrid cold?

i just purged.
and it felt normal.

it's been a rough

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 18:27:07 GMT

two-three days.
on top of the things i'm dealing with
or trying to deal with, with my ex,
i've been out of control with purging.
my throats fucked, stomaches fuck.
i snorted codein for the first time.
with nick.

i attract the craziest boys.
they all have drug problems,
family problems, have tried to commit suicide,
they're "crazy" as everyone says and i'm always
like..such an eye opener. i "put shit in perspective"
i'm different i'm real...

i'm starting to think i'm just one of those crazy girls
with the family issues, addiction issues, eating disorder,
the over dramatics

that just attracts those type of guys.

i'm overly cautious.
but yeah, i'm in a situation
in every sense of the word.
nick....nick who i used to talk to
before i dated my ex.
nick, the 5150 drug lord king that "talks to hella bitches"

.....i don't know why i gave him the time of day, nick.

but..
there's two sids to every person?
i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

i just want to purge
and excersize
and weigh 100.
everyone else?
go to hell.