i didn'y binge but i definatly wasn't starving myself.


2 toasts: 270

i like to round up, so i'll say i'm at 300calories so far.
i'm positive i'll be able to burn off 300 calories.
if i feel like eating i guess i'll either drink a shit ton of water
or have tea.


i'm gunna try and stay away from heavy foods for a bit.
my tight size ones think i should too.

till like... 1:30pm.
fuck i hate sleeping in.


anyways, i wasn't suppose to eat today.
i've had to cinnamon rolls. wtf.
sooo so far that's like 670calories.

wtf.



i'm gunna clean and workout today.
i feel so drowsy.
i think it's because i take tylenol pm everynight.



xanax tonight.
i gotta wake up early tomorrow.
i gotta lose weight.


my ex is prancing around with some young bitch
she's uglier and chubbier than me though
so ha.


i feel good.
but still,
i have to be 2938479283x hotter.
and like... as skinyn as i was when we started dating.
95lbs.


here i come.

i know what im missing in order to lose weight.
drugs.




i'm back and fatter than ever.
i'm going to start counting all the calories i eat for the day.
it's hard to get motivated again.
extremely.

i went into recovery last feb.
i got fat.
i'm prob back up to 115.

which is sad considering i was 95.



so fuck me, here we go again.

i wish that i could beg and beg and beg someone till 110 turned into 90.
20lbs. i was 10lbs away

i'm probably 115 the way iv been


the highest iv been in sooo long.
i can't even bare it, i feel disgusting.
i'm unhappy, i dont feel like myself.



i need distraction and bad things.
whenever everythings out of control
i always manage to grab control of my weight
when everything is out of control.

control control control
i never know how to balance it.


also...i dunno what to think of this...
angelo never condoned my behaviour
it was always "stop its unhealthy you're better than that i love you're perfect"
nick started that way...then we got closer and its become..
"whatever you want to do i'll support you i just want you happy i love you."

i dont want to compare relationships at all.
but i always thought that when you love someone you dont let them willingfully destroy themself.


but maybe nick knows id never believe any of that "you're perfect" crap
i didn't with angelo, i just wanted to keep losing, but it was nice to hear.

i duno


i have a headache from purging.

im going back to purging.
im sorry but recovery undid all my perfect perfect work.


i was under 100.
now i'm over 110.



i could cry forever.

i havent written in here in forever.

im back in control.


umm yeah.

i could easily fall back into b/p for like 2 weeks straight again.
but i know that only bloats me and fucks my body up and i really don't lose weight
it's justa  coping thing.


BUT i know i have the abilty to go days without eating
last week was a perfect example.
down to 100lbs. i have that control again.
all i have to do is say no.


and i'm turning it back on.
95lbs and my bmi will be 17 point something.
the main point being i'll be considered underweight.
for the first time in my life.
i am not fucking up this time.


95lbs here i fucking come.
being under 110 isn't enough.
fuck being "healthy" and "curvy"


i will be 95lbs before march.
i can feel it. i'll be tiny.


just wait.
i have control.

so i've been working towards either 100 or 98
for saturday, which is tomorrow.
because i wanted to look "extra good"
at my winter formal.

it's ...saturday, 12am.
and i'm at 104.8 or something.
it sucks. but there's more.


so this morning, i wake up, i'm doing okay.
coffee, cleaning the house before i wake up, my ex comes over.
he's the only one that knows er, well that i've told about my ed.
he's worried and shit but never pushes me to do anything,
not the point.


anyways i'm telling him my plan for the day
"i'll clean...run...pick up my dress..uh.."
he interrupts and says "you'll purge."
i say "ha nah, i have to eat first to do that."

i haven't purged since last...thursday? i believe.
so i've been good, just not eating, overexcersizing.
which in my head is less damaging than purging right?

he didn't mean it in a mean way or anything.
i haven't explained the whole in dephs on my who disordered shit
so hey, he's just trying to figure things out.


but all day today i was home.
and randomly, and convienently my sisters decide to leave
and go for a walk for a bit.


i eat a few pretzels.
a bite of a tortilla.
a few more pretzles.
a bite of a power bar.

that's it.


and immediatly i say "FUCK."
drink a load of water
and get as much as i can out of me.
my sisters actually walk in the house as i'm
at the kitchen sink. so i play it off like i was
"washing my face."


then send my bf..ex bf, a message saying:
"fuck, you were right, purging was in my schedule today."
why? i don't know. still numb from vomiting up food i guess.
it's beyond me why i reach why out when i'm at my worst.
and i don't want help

yet i still yearn for something.
not help though.
i don't think that's even anywhere in my head right now,
"recovery."

i can't recover,
i'm not at my goal yet.
i'm not rock bottom yet.
let me be.


but don't go too far or anything,
because it sucks to constantly hate everything
and hate yourself and do horrible things to your body
and KNOW you are.
yet still feel satisfaction from it.

it's so godamn hard to grasp all of that.


-excuse my rambling, i just snorted a shitload of xanax. btw. so my minds scattered.


anyways, after having an okay rest of the day not eating
i'm home now i read the messege he sent me,
a sad face, and an i miss you.
which of course i know means so much more.


subconciously, i'm a wreck, i feel it.
it could be the xanax though.


oh and the reason i took xanax?
because i'm not tired yet.
if i stay up....there's food. just always around everywhere.
it's fucking everywhere, fastfood, stores, pizza in my fucking fridge.
that's too many opportunities to binge then be depressed then purge.
i can't have that cycle.


i'd much rather fall back into my not eat at all cycle
rather than my not eat...not eat..not eat...take one bite and purge it all up cycle.


i do want to learn to care for myself
and love myself like a normal person.
and love myself enough to let those around me love me.



i can't make my ex come save me.
especially not right now.
i'm a mess, i wanna snort more
i wanna binge my face off
and then purge it all out.


if everything was up to me,
that's exactly what i'd i do right now.
fuck myself alll up because i don't care,
then have my him come get me so i can lay with him
and he can remind me how beautiful and loved i am.
so i can believe it fully and intensely


untill i get home, only to binge and cry myself
because the kitchen sink is too close to my mom's room
and she'd hear the water running and me gagging.



i'm starting to realize this is okay.
but it's kinda all i've got going for me.
my weight. my numbers.


i felt fat today.
went to try on my dress with my best friend
who i consider the skinniest out of all of us.
and she saw me in my dress and said
"gah, you're so fuckin skinny."



if i was so skinny, i wouldn't have curves.
my ribs would show more.
my chest bones would be more prominent.
my arms would be sticks
and the same with my legs.
my face would be cut out of stone.
i'd be perfection.

i'm be somewhere btwn 85 and 90.



my night?
i'll snort more xanax.
untill i can't think straight.
i'm lay in bed thinking about him
and remind myself i'm loved
or at least try.


and i'd thankgod i did snort the xanax,
because if i didn't it'd be straight to the fridge,
binge. and either cry myself to sleep, waking up at 105 tomorrow.
or saying fuck it and purging. and sleeping with water weight and bloating tummy.



basically,
i'm waiting till things get incredibly bad,
till i even try to fix anything.
until now.


this is enough.
 

OKAY.
so. i'm single once again.
like for real this time.
and i'm going to remain single
for a good while.


today was an awakening kinda..
like..things caught up to me,
and i'm going to take all of this
these past...3ish months?
and LEARN FROM IT.
and never do any of it again.

well...maybe some of it ;)


i'm not going to let myself mope
and fucking be all down and shit
i'm going to suck it up and be a big girl.
and get everything back together and go from there.
to the best of my abilities.




to be honest, i feel like..
i finally got him out of my system.
kinda.



not thinking about it.




i need to focus on me.
tomorrow will be diff?
hopefully.


time to grow up anyways right?

shitty day.
rather not talk about it.

but i'm determined to not purge.
all i have to do is not eat.
which i'm doing okay with.


i purged monday tuesday and wednesday.



i'd rather not today.

i'm going to run tonight though.
maybe not though.



i feel drained.

i've binged and purged for that last two days.
last time i checked i was 106 something.



i don't dare to look right now.
i smoked and binged lastnight.



plan, fasting, cleaning out my system
and getting rid of water weight.

i'm probably 110.
i'm too scared to look.

ugh.


i wanna be 102 again =/